Stuck

I don't want to look for work anymore. I'm tired of this crap. Really, seriously, I'm completely SICK of it.

The only jobs I can get are working with autistic kids.

The only people who want me to work with their autistic kids have school-aged children, so I can't fit them all in.

Dabby wants to give me 8h/w with her daughter (AF). Dabby is a psychologist. She offered to mentor me through the whole going to school and getting chartered as a psychologist thing.

With AF, I'll be up to 28h/w. I have about 7h/w left that I can give out; too much more than that and I'll implode fairly quickly.

Although, with no more TEC stuff, I might be able to handle more. And with counseling and meds. Hrm. Have to ponder that one.

Lakehead has me as a student but supposedly I don't owe them any money and I didn't take any courses there. Mom is going to ask. I may have to redo my psych degree, which would royally SUCK. But should take under two years if I start in January. Assuming I get loans. Which I probably won't, so I don't know why I even think about school.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm even trying. Everything feels stacked against me. I feel like every time stuff starts to go well in my life, something big happens and it all falls apart. I hold on to what I have as best I can, but my grip is so tenuous...

Motivation is such a problem for me, too. I *want* to write. I *want* to go back to school. But I don't. Why don't I? Because I'm scared. I'm scared, like I wrote after my last counselling appointment. Scared that I might actually do well. Scared that I might end up failing. Scared that I'm going to use ADD as an excuse to not do my best. Scared that I'm going to wimp out and not ask for the accommodations I need (and there aren't many, and they aren't big). Scared that I'll succeed, scared that I won't... I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.

I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm stuck