Focus IV

Focus. How do I make focus happen? I haven't been one to "create" focus in my life - it tends to just kind of "happen" to me, you know?

I am able to focus on drawing Celtic knots, on painting, on writing.

I am able to focus on researching autism, ADHD, my current obsession(s).

I am able to focus on my work when I am in session.

I am able to focus on math puzzles and the like.

I am able to focus on reading novels.

But focus on the things I want to get done - how do I make that happen?

I want to be able to focus on unpacking, on organizing, on living here in this house.

I want to be able to focus on looking after myself - all the things I need to do for that.

I want to be able to focus on God, on prayer, on worship, on faith.

My life feels so incredibly shallow. There is no depth to me. I want to be like the ocean, deep and teeming with life. I want to be a vessel, overflowing with God's loving presence. I want to be... I want to be that which I was created to be. Stoic. Solid. Moving yet still. Contained and containing.

Right now I am like a small stream. I skip here and there among the rocks. I cannot even find the river that will take me to the ocean. I am flimsy, I am gossamer. Insubstantial. Frantically chasing after that which I know not. I am undisciplined, unfulfilled, unfilled.

I am myself, but I am not yet fully my self.

I am learning, but I am also avoiding that education.

I am not brave, I am not strong, I am not even able to turn to Him when I ought.

This... inability... to reach and be reached... it is frustrating.

*****

Oh, God, protect me from myself -
my fearful, weary soul.
It wants to hold on
when all I want is to let go.

Oh, God, protect me from myself -
my hard and wandering heart.
It speeds toward the wrong
when all I want to do is start
not to do that anymore,
I don't want to do that anymore!

Change my heart, oh God,
from the sinful state it's in
to the state you want it in -
I want to please you!
Change my heart, oh God...

How do I escape from sin -
my old self loves to do it.
What a terrible predicament
I find myself in.
I find myself in sin.
I want out of this sin I'm in!

To please Him is to know Him -
To know Him is to see
that obedience to law is not
what keeps us whole and free.
The thing that keeps us free
is not a thing indeed -
it is the body of a Saviour:
Jesus Christ, the King !

I'm finally realizing that the answer lies inside,
if in fact I have accepted Jesus in my life.
It all comes down to choices and
the issue of control;
have I chosen God,
or would I rather be the one
controlling the destiny of my soul?

Artist: Crystal Lewis
Song Title: Change my heart
Album: Fearless
copyright Crystal Lewis 2000