Reflection

I just went through the last month or so of posts, and was amazed to find that this weekend has literally been an answer to prayer.

God heard my prayers, and He answered them.

All through August, I lamented my lack of focus, my lack of time, my inability to be near to God. My written prayers waxed poetic at time; all have facets of that desperation that knows not salvation (though there is faith and belief that it exists).

I don't have the dates for these, but look at what I wrote:

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God, I just want to focus on You... I just want time to be with You, to rest in You... I'm so tired of always being there, always rescuing people.

I need to focus on You, and on my career. I can't be split in so many ways anymore. It's not working for me.

I need to be doing things for me right now. I need to be focused on You, on who I am, on what You want me to be & do.

I'm so sick of being disorganized, of feeling chaotic.

I need to learn to priritize, to complete projects, to start projects, to put things away, to clean...

I need to learn to take care of myself, to keep track of how many spoons are actually available to me.

I need to be able to breathe without feeling guilty.

Help me learn these things. I am a willing & eager student.

TEACH ME.

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I need to simplify. Cut things out of my life. Make more time for God, for things that I do just for myself. I want to write, I want to draw and paint. I want to be able to focus on work when I need to prep materials.

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...the need to seek God - that need that makes sitting still impossible and causes one to itch and ache in longing, desire, and the uncomfortable-ness of being in this human existence, of wearing this human skin.

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"Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can't be my disciple. Luke 14:33 MSG

Oh that I would have the courage to kiss all "Good-bye", and You "Hello" each and every day.

(Beth's Blog)

This - this is what I wish. I wish I could do this. I wish I could be - HIS. God's. Not torn between two, three, four... different things, loyalties, passions.

Motivation, concentration, pushing, pulling... trying to be all to all when that's not possible.

I don't remember Him every morning the way I once did.

I don't speak with Him every night the way I once did.

I miss that. I miss Him.

God, remind me of Your presence in my life... remind me to talk to You...

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My life feels so incredibly shallow. There is no depth to me. I want to be like the ocean, deep and teeming with life. I want to be a vessel, overflowing with God's loving presence. I want to be... I want to be that which I was created to be. Stoic. Solid. Moving yet still. Contained and containing.

Right now I am like a small stream. I skip here and there among the rocks. I cannot even find the river that will take me to the ocean. I am flimsy, I am gossamer. Insubstantial. Frantically chasing after that which I know not. I am undisciplined, unfulfilled, unfilled.

I am myself, but I am not yet fully my self.

I am learning, but I am also avoiding that education.

I am not brave, I am not strong, I am not even able to turn to Him when I ought.

This... inability... to reach and be reached... it is frustrating.

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Unmaker,
Let me learn to abandon myself fully to You.
Rabboni,
Teach me how to listen to You as I have wished in the past.
Father,
Show me what You want of me, so that I can become more and more Your child.
Maker,
Create in me that depth, that solidity and stillness that I so desire.
Changer,
Grant me the capacity to contain all that I must contain, at the same time allowing myself to be contained by You (for You are the only One who can truly contain me).
Servant Love,
Let me be the embodiment of peace and blessing to all I encounter.
Still One,
In times of desperation, may Your calm descend upon me, that I may show Your truth and love to the world.
Faithful One,
Hold me when my fear becomes too large, and remind me that I am able to trust others without losing any of my identity.
Triune God,
May my identity become one with Yours.

May my life be ever pleasing to You, O Lord.
Daily may I pray this prayer.
Nightly may I see Your hand in all things.

Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end, Amen.

*****

It is amazing, is it not? How completely He answered the cry of my heart... that yearning for time to be with Him. And how I finally took hold of this opportunity to use this time He's given me, to really look at what I need in order to be fully His.

I have always belonged to Him; it is only now that I am really learning what that means.

We sang this song during Communion this week; it is so appropriate.

I have a Maker, He formed my heart. Before even time began, my life was in His hand.
He knows my name. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls, and hears me when I call.
I have a Father, He calls me His own. He'll never leave me, no matter where I go.
He knows my name. He knows my every thought. He sees each tear that falls, and hears me when I call.

© 1996, Doulos Publishing
Words & Music: Tommy Walker