I don't want to even think about this anymore. I feel so incredibly stupid for even thinking I could ever make it in this field. Why did I ever think that? I'm not that good. Not really. I'm not the smartest, or the most knowledgeable, or anything. I'm barely average. I never should have even got started. I should have left autism as a hobby/special interest and found something else to do with my life. Heck, I never should have done a fricking music degree. I mean, what was I thinking? So stupid to do a degree that is so completely useless. I mean, really - what am I supposed to do with that degree? I can do a lot of things well but I don't excel at anything. Do you even realize how completely useless that is? Crap. Dabby said I'm like a butterfly, flitting here and there but never settling. I didn't tell her yet that I have ADD. Hah. That would explain a lot! AUGH! Nothing ever goes quite the way I want it to... it's always just enough "off" that I get screwed over again and again. I don't know if I'll EVER get to go back to school. I don't even know if I'll do well. I don't even know for sure what I want to study, exactly. I don't know if I SHOULD go back to school. I don't know what to do. What is WRONG with me that I can't get my life in order, that I can't keep on top of all these things that I really ought to have a handle on by now? I'm incompetent, incapable, and unrelentingly STUPID. I am SUCH an idiot - I actually thought I might start to have success, finally.
Don't try to tell me that I am successful. That is CRAP. I am NOT successful. I had to quit TEC because it was too stressful. I don't have really many friends, and VERY few my own age. I can't get a proper job no matter what. I just want to curl up in a ball and stay there for a month. At least.
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