This is a concept that few people write about. I think it's because often we use psychology to determine the reasons why people put up walls and avoid getting close to others.
The thing is, I don't think that a fear of intimacy is always due to poor self-esteem, or past abuse, or whatever.
I think that for some people, being loved just hurts. It hurts to be loved, to have someone care about you, to care for you. And so it's really difficult to reach out through that hurt and let people in. You don't want to feel the pain.
The contradiction is that all you want is to be loved and accepted, as you are. You want - need - to be loved and accepted as you are, no conditions, no demands.
But you're afraid of that. Not only are you afraid of having demands and expectations placed on you, you're afraid of not having demands and expectations placed on you. You're afraid of being loved, but you're afraid of not being loved. Same with acceptance.
I think that part of this is probably spiritual in nature. There is a spirit of fear that can govern us. And that can (and usually does) come in the way of our relationship with God.
This has been on my mind for a few days now, and I'm definitely not through thinking about it. Maybe this is what my Lent is about this year.
I'll post more later.
1 comment:
I do not completely understand what you're saying here. How could we fear a love that places no conditions on us--an unconditional love? Or is it that there is always an agenda at stake in relationships. God's love is unconditional, though He has an agenda for us--He desires things for us. He accepts us as we are (through Christ), but He does not want us to stay there, because He sees the possibilities we cannot. Are you saying that it is these possibilities that we fear or are anxious about--these possibilities of love? Is it the agenda of others that we fear (the expectations and demands), or the fact that they can see potential in us that we cannot see?
David
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