All humans need to feel connected. Without connection, we wither and die; just look at children in orphanages where they are stockpiled and rarely have any kind of human contact. This is why hospitals with NICUs (ICU for newborns) take on volunteers who will come and spend time with the babies in the incubators... without human touch, the infants will almost certainly die, even with the best medical care in the world.
To delve, for a moment, into the world of psychology, let us look at Maslow's heirarchy of needs:
According to Maslow, people start at the bottom of this triangle and progress upwards through it. Only once the needs at their current level have been met are they able to progress to the next level. If something happens to knock out one of the lower levels, they are also knocked down to that level and must work to meet those lost needs before they can get back to where they were.
It bears a striking resemblance to Kandinsky's social triangle, but I won't get into that in this post. Kandinsky was an artist and something of a philosopher, but he was not a psychologist and was not concerned with the same things we are looking at here.
I could go through the full diagram with you here, but there are more diagrams to look at, and I just want to look at level three - Belongingness and Love needs.
This level is related to family, affection, relationships, work group, etc. Our need to belong in a group of people and to feel loved - to have connection with others. If this need is not met, we are unable to meet our Esteem needs, and it follows that any attempt to become Self-actualised will result in failure.
So it would seem that we require connection in order to reach our full potential as human beings.
Let's look at an adaptation of Maslow's Heirarchy:
Now, this version came about in the 1970s, as opposed to the 1950s. You may notice the addition of two levels. But our Belongingness and Love needs still sit at level three, and it appears now that without connection we are unable to learn (meet our Cognitive needs) or appreciate beauty (meet our Aesthetic needs), never mind any of those other things that Maslow identified.
One more diagram, and then I'll make this all a bit more practical. (I always try to take the abstract into the concrete if at all possible.)
With this version, which came about in the 1990s, we have the addition of Tanscendence - that is, the need to help others achieve self-actualisation. But Belongingness and Love needs? Still at level three!
So we cannot expect to be able to help other people if we are disconnected. I suspect that this probably drives our need for connection, at least in part. But let's make all of this practical and relatable.
To delve, for a moment, into the world of psychology, let us look at Maslow's heirarchy of needs:
According to Maslow, people start at the bottom of this triangle and progress upwards through it. Only once the needs at their current level have been met are they able to progress to the next level. If something happens to knock out one of the lower levels, they are also knocked down to that level and must work to meet those lost needs before they can get back to where they were.It bears a striking resemblance to Kandinsky's social triangle, but I won't get into that in this post. Kandinsky was an artist and something of a philosopher, but he was not a psychologist and was not concerned with the same things we are looking at here.
I could go through the full diagram with you here, but there are more diagrams to look at, and I just want to look at level three - Belongingness and Love needs.
This level is related to family, affection, relationships, work group, etc. Our need to belong in a group of people and to feel loved - to have connection with others. If this need is not met, we are unable to meet our Esteem needs, and it follows that any attempt to become Self-actualised will result in failure.
So it would seem that we require connection in order to reach our full potential as human beings.
Let's look at an adaptation of Maslow's Heirarchy:
Now, this version came about in the 1970s, as opposed to the 1950s. You may notice the addition of two levels. But our Belongingness and Love needs still sit at level three, and it appears now that without connection we are unable to learn (meet our Cognitive needs) or appreciate beauty (meet our Aesthetic needs), never mind any of those other things that Maslow identified.One more diagram, and then I'll make this all a bit more practical. (I always try to take the abstract into the concrete if at all possible.)
With this version, which came about in the 1990s, we have the addition of Tanscendence - that is, the need to help others achieve self-actualisation. But Belongingness and Love needs? Still at level three!So we cannot expect to be able to help other people if we are disconnected. I suspect that this probably drives our need for connection, at least in part. But let's make all of this practical and relatable.
I need connection. There, I admitted it - are you happy now? I am a person who prefers solitude to a crowded, noisy coffee shop, and who will seek out a quiet corner at a party, even when there are plenty of friends around.
So I enjoy being alone. I'm an introvert, so that makes sense. (I behave much like an extrovert, but I firmly believe that has more to do with behavioural programming overtaking and sabotaging internal wiring than it does my actual nature and personality.) I have called this blog my "hermiting blog" specifically because of this sense of disconnect that I feel in crowds of people. I do not find groups to be engaging or energising... they are simply draining.
Yet, in spite of this need for solitude, I feel an overwhelming drive to forge connections with other human beings. The need for connection to God is stronger, but this desire for connection with another person - it is, I believe, what drives most people to pursue romantic relationships.
Why do I need these two things - these two very disparate, seemingly incompatible things?
Good question.
I don't think that solitude necessarily precludes connection. It can absolutely hamper the development of connection, but it does not always keep connection from forming.
Of course, when I talk about "solitude", I do not mean "solitary confinement". When a person is in solitary confinement, they neither see nor hear anyone for days - however long their punishment is set to last.
Solitude is not the same as isolation, and it is not loneliness. It is merely the state of being alone for a period of time. Some people are only alone when they are asleep; others, like myself, actively seek out solitude on a regular basis. We need time alone to recharge, to grow, to nurture our inner selves.
I think Maslow was wrong, in his little heirarchy of needs. We don't need those physical needs met first. We need connection with another human being first. Because if we didn't need that connection, we would not die without it. People in third world countries who don't have the first two levels of need met would not be able to find joy in their lives.
I need connection. I need to know that I am being heard. Like the connection of a power cord to a wall outlet, I get power and energy from my interpersonal connections. A conversation with my best friend or with a family member to whom I am closely connected can inspire me and give me the momentum I require in order to not only start projects, but complete them. These people understand what motivates me, and they know the right things to say - things that will give me the structure and inspiration that I am sometimes lacking.
Do you see the real me
behind the smiles and the stares?
The bit of me that wants to speak,
the part of me that's afraid.
The pieces of me I can't express,
the thoughts I keep inside.
Do you see the real me
behind the sparkle and the fears?
The bit of me that wants to shine,
the part of me that's afraid.
The pieces of me that are the best,
the times that I'm tongue-tied.
Do you see the real me
behind the laughter and the tears?
The bit of me that wants to live,
the part of me that's afraid.
The pieces of me that I made a mess,
the ends I never tied.
Do you see the real me?
Hiding in the shadows
venturing forth when it sams safe
hopefully seeking a friend.© copyright Janna Hoskin - 02/04/02
You see, we all just want to be known for who we really are. But being that vulnerable is incredibly frightening. Because if people know us for our selves, they have power over us. They can hurt us.
If we accept the notion that our lives are dependent on an inexorable cycle of seasons, on a play of powers that we can conspire with but never control, we run headlong into a culture that insists, against all evidence, that we can make whatever kind of life we want, whenever we want it. Deeper still, we run headlong into our own egos, which want desperately to believe that we are always in charge.Introduction
We need to challenge and reform these distortions of culture and ego - reform them toward ways of thinking and doing and being that are rooted in respect for the living ecology of life. Unlike "raw material" on which we make all the demonds, this ecology makes demands on us even as it sustains our lives. We are not here only to transform the world but also to be transformed.
Transformation is difficult, so it is good to know that there is comfort as well as challenge in the metaphor of life as a cycle of seasons. Illumined by that image, we see that we are not alone in the universe. We are participants in a vast communion of being, and if we open ourselves to its guidance, we can learn anew how to live in this great and gracious community of truth. We can, and we must - if we want our sciences to be humane, our institutions to be sustaining, our healings to be deep, our lives to be true.pp. 97-98, Let Your Life Speak, Parker J. Palmer.
Copyright © 2000 by John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Part One: What is connection?
Part Three: How do we achieve connection?
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