I Found Them.

I found the happier poems, the God-poems. I'll try to get a chance to post them tomorrow.

I am not in a good place right now.

Why is it so much easier to be creative, to be expressive... what is it about descent that makes this all come out so easily?

Because the hard times see more writing, more drawing, and especially more poetry and music.

I felt, tonight, like I am broken - I don't function properly. And I'm tired, so tired of being broken. I want my brain to work correctly. I want to be able to do things the way other people do them. More than that, I want to be able to know when too much is enough.

I am stressed. I am tired. Things get away from me, and I don't know what they are or how it happens.

"Most good stuff comes from a pretty dark place." (Radio Free Roscoe)

I'm not eating properly.

I get hungry, but nothing is appetizing. Or I don't want to have to cook it.

It's all just piling up and piling up.

I can't keep working so much.

Other people have time off. Like, within the span of a week, they have time off.

I get up and go to work at the church for 8am. I leave there anytime between 3:30 and 4pm, to go work with a kid. I'm done there at 6 or 6:30 and I get home at 7 or 7:30, unless I have plans elsewhere. That's Monday through Friday (well, Tuesday through Friday, now). Saturday morning I get up bright and early to work with a kid from 9am until 11:30. I managed to make my afternoons open. Sunday morning is church.

I'm going to have to drop some kids. Maybe all of them. I wasn't going to. I was going to keep them.

But lately... there's no joy in it. There's no interest, no desire. I just want to come home after I'm done at the office, assuming I am able to actually leave on time.

I don't know...

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should leave behind my plans - plans I've had for years, about my work with autistic children. Should I pursue my creative talents? Should I get training as a spiritual director?

I need a real break.

I need rest.

I need peace.