Tehillah. Sight.

“I want to be small, I want to be just like a child, I want to be quiet in Your arms…”

Amanda Falk, Small

Except… it’s my self who needs to hold that child. Hold the little girl who feels so left out, so separate from everyone and everything around her. Tell her that it’s okay, that there’s a real reason for this feeling, that it’s still possible to have friends, that she is absolutely loveable, and beautiful, that God made her this way for a reason.

You dwell on the edges. You observe and rarely take part. You’ve been left behind, my love… but no more. Leaving you there, in your infancy, that was not protection. I am so so sorry. Come now, join my self and your sister as we grow together. You’re allowed to grow up. How selfish of me to try to keep you a child forever.

He made us to be whole, to be one. Come, catch up. Grow with us. We’ll carry you when your strength fails. Baby girl… reach out your arms and remind us how to dance! how to laugh! how to see God in all things… for we’ve forgotten. We forgot way back when we left you behind.

• the little girl, left alone and bewildered in her grade one classroom, wondering why people don’t want to be friends with her;
• the teenage corpse, lying in her bed, devoid of emotion; and
• the adult woman, who until recently was unable to feel like an actual woman, who has lived her life on the edges of everything, split into these pieces.

Bits and pieces. That’s all I’ve been, for so long. It wasn’t walls I’d built, or masks, or anything else… it was locks on doors, and strangled hearts, and I thought that was safety.

*****

Reach inside,
take hold of her hand;
she is loved…
she is loved.

That little six year old girl
who can’t understand
and can’t figure out
how to make friends.
She got left behind
in an empty classroom
so I could pretend
it all made sense.

Reach inside,
take hold of her hand;
she is loved…
she is loved.

That thirteen year old girl
who is so tired
and doesn’t want to hurt
the way she does.
She got left behind,
a corpse in a bed,
so I could pretend
I felt nothing.

Reach inside,
take hold of her hand;
she is loved…
she is loved.

This adult woman
who is still learning
about friendships
and about living.
God, reach inside;
help her grow up,
bring her to life,
for she is loved.

Reach inside,
take hold of her hand;
she is loved…
she is loved.