Tehillah. Aftermath.

Hurt
Bruised
Cracked
Breaking

I don’t want to be broken, God.

It’s my own foolishness that brought me here.
Won’t You reach down and heal these wounds
anyway…?

Pain
Loved
Scorned
Leaking

I don’t want to be this holy, Lord.

It’s my own foolishness that brought me here.
Won’t You reach down and heal these wounds
anyway…?

Fear
Stained
Maimed
Seeking

I don’t want to be afraid of love.

It’s my own foolishness that brought me here.
Won’t You reach down and heal these wounds
anyway…?

Hold me close, surround me with Your tangible love. Don’t let go, though I struggle to be free. I need You so much more than anything - or anyone - else.

*****

I don’t know why I feel betrayed. It’s not my heart that just got dashed to pieces. But it could be. It could be me. And that hurts. It is frightening. The fear is heavy within me. It threatens to overwhelm all the good I know of him. Because part of the fear… part of the fear is that I don’t really know him, that everything is a lie.

Oh, God, I don’t want this fear!

The Solitude of the Garden

facing fear
looking it in the eye
and telling it,
"not today.
you don’t win today.
I am stronger than you.
God is my refuge,
God is my strength.
God gives me victory.
and though He slay me,
yet will I trust in Him."

*****

Bethany wrote about “Open Love” today, and reading it brought tears to my eyes.

Janna is patient, Janna is kind. Janna does not envy, Janna does not boast, Janna is not proud. Janna is not rude, Janna is not self-seeking, Janna is not easily angered; Janna keeps no record of wrongs. Janna does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Janna always protects, Janna always trusts, Janna always hopes, Janna always perseveres.

I was hurt, today, by actions taken by someone whom I have chosen (perhaps foolishly) to trust with my heart. He did these things before we got involved with each other, but the matter, it seems, is not yet settled, and so I have been damaged. An innocent bystander, as it were, caught in the crossfire.

Bethany writes, in part,

we can say Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs but do we really follow-through with that!? It’s not as easy as it seems, and we seem to find excuses to not encompass this in every aspect of our life. “You don’t know what they did to me! How can I be expected to LOVE when faced with repeated hate and rejection?” Does all that really matter?! God is just asking us to love.

I’m not battling my ability to continue loving in this situation. I gave over my heart, and that’s that. Somehow, I am even managing to be loving towards the other person involved in this situation. It isn’t easy. But I am doing it.

But love trusts. I have to trust. And that trust has been damaged, today. The rest… the rest I can claim, as part of my love for him. But trust… that is going to take time to build up again.

I hope, I do, that the fears I am battling now are truly foolish and will be proven to be nonsense. And I am prepared to persevere, to work until there is nothing left to work with.

…when Bethany gets to the point of her post, she is talking about open love. Loving with abandon, really. The idea of reaching out, in love, in spite of being hurt and damaged and betrayed.

This kind of love is risky, don’t get me wrong! And with this kind of love I can promise you that you WILL be hurt. But did that deter JESUS from loving us?! And what kind of hurt can’t be healed by the power of His love towards us?

Risky? Never! God wouldn’t ask us to do things that are difficult… would He?

“How many times must I forgive someone who has hurt me?” asks Peter. “What do you think about seven times?” That’s a lot of forgiveness. I’m being pretty generous here.

Jesus smiles at Peter and shakes His head. Poor sheep, you think you are close, but you are so far off the mark… “No, Peter. Not seven times. Try seventy-seven times.”

Peter is dumbfounded. How does Jesus expect me to keep track of how many times I’ve forgiven someone? I mean, really!

Jesus knew that Peter didn’t get it, so He told a story:

Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to make sure that his accounts were all settled with his slaves. Near the beginning of the process, he was brought a man who owed him a lifetime’s worth of wages. The man could not pay his debt, and so the king ordered him sold, along with his family and all of their possessions.

The man fell to his knees before the king, pleading for his life. “Please, my lord, have patience with me! I will pay you all that I owe, I promise you this!”

The king had pity on the man and let him go, saying, “I will erase your debt completely. Now go, and continue to serve me well.”

The man thanked the king profusely and backed out of the throne room. On his way home, he met a fellow slave. This slave owed the first half a year’s wages.

The man fell on the slave and beat him, demanding his money. The slave pleaded with the man just as the man had pleaded with the king, but the man did not have mercy on the slave. Instead, he had the slave thrown in jail until the debt was paid.

The rest of the slaves were incredibly upset, and they went to the king to tell him of these events. The king himself was distressed, and he summoned the man to him.

The king said to the man, “You horrible man! I was lenient with you when you begged for mercy! How could you not show the same kindness to your fellow slave?” He then had the man tortured until his debt was paid in full.

This is the same fate that awaits you, if you do not forgive others from your heart.

Matthew 18.21-35 (my paraphrase)

When I arrived at Tehillah tonight, I felt closed up. I sat during the worship with my feet up on the back of the pew in front of me, clutching my legs to my chest. I prayed. I tried not to cry. And then I wrote the first two pieces of this post. I began to open up again.

After the service… after some amazing corporate prayer that I felt working in me… I told Bethany the story of today’s hurt, and she prayed for me. I have had peace since.

The future is still uncertain, but I know that God’s grace and peace will guide me through this crazy time.

And whatever ends up happening, I will have God’s love within and I will continue to do my best to love with abandon.