Memories

Been reading old journal entries, gathering material for the talk for THING. Still not 100% sure if I'm going to do it in May.

The angle has to change. Not so much a focus on being in the valley as just a talk about my life, my struggles, the things that make me a human being.

What it's like to have ADD, what it's like to be depressed, what it's like to have low self-esteem.

I almost cried at some of the entries from my first year of University - that was the year I went through my first severe depression, and all there was in there was hopelessness. It's so sad to think that *anyone* could *ever* feel like that... and I *did*. Sometimes... sometimes, I *still do*.

The e-mail I sent to Laurel (her response was to go ahead with the change):

Laurel,

As I said last night at the meeting, I've been thinking and working on my talk. Still not 100% sure if the end of May is practical, but I wanted to bounce some stuff off you, idea-wise.

I've been reading through my journals, looking for material, and I'm finding that a lot of my personal relationship with God has been - and still is - tied into my self-esteem and my state of mind. Neither has been exactly stellar all the time, and there've been a couple of entries that put me on the brink of tears because they were in the midst of my first severe bout with depression.

I believe that when I first suggested this topic, I said that it wouldn't be one of those "here's the answer to your problem" talks; it would be more of a testimony kind of thing.

Based on my current & past experiences, and the current experiences of people dear to me, I'm wondering if it would make sense for me to just put together something that is REALLY a testimony - talking about my bouts with depression, my poor self-esteem, etc., and what God has meant to me during those times. There is an element of the original topic idea to all of these things; I go through cycles from contentment into desperate seeking after God... and looking for that SOMETHING that will really fill my spirit.

I will warn you that this talk won't be easy for me to write or give, because I need it to be REAL and TRUE. I think I'm at the point where I have to begin to show my SELF, and the TEC community is probably the best place to start doing that, since I'm in a position of leadership.

Let me know what you think. I'm only up to mid-1996 at this point in my journals, so I have a lot of writing to go through. It's weird to read stuff from when I was 13 (when I started keeping a journal) and seeing how things have or haven't changed over time. Values change, the things we think are important change drastically from when we are teenagers to when we are adults. But some things remain incredibly important.

That's probably part of the theme for the talk.

Anyway, let me know what you think.

-Janna

Here's one of the entries that really got to me. You may notice a similarity between this entry and some of the posts I've made to this blog...

June 23, 1995
6:41 p.m.
I am never going to get anything published. I will never amount to anything, I will never be a success, not the kind I've dreamed about since I was small. I'll never get married, never have children, never get any of my writing published, never write any music that's worth anything to anybody, never help people, never be a part of anything like "The Lion King," never be anything to anybody. Nobody (male) likes me enough to ask me out, let alone marry me, I can't write worth beans, my music sucks rocks, I can't help people because I can't help me, I'll never be a part of a movie because of my music, and if I don't have my own family, and can't help people, and can't be part of anything worthwhile, then I won't be worth anything to anybody.

It made me cry.

It *makes* me cry.

That I *ever* felt that hopeless, that I was that depressed, that I felt that out of place.

Part of being who I am is shoving my emotions under a rock and trying to forget they exist - trying to crush them into submission. It's amazing to me, the number of times I wrote in my journals, even when I was just thirteen, about bottling things up inside and not letting them out... how important it is to "be strong"... how astonishing it is to me when I cry... how I used to read Lurlene McDaniel's books specifically when I needed to let out some tears.

Songs... Jann Arden's "The Right Road Home" is going on my LiveJournal right away. So are Nichole Nordeman's "Small Enough" and Jennifer Knapp's "Say Won't You Say". And Evanescence: "Bring Me to Life" and "Taking Over Me".

The prophecy from 2003 talked about communication. Communicating God's truth and love and life.

"I am walking and waiting and nurturing you to come into a place when there's a greater processing, a greater receiving, a greater ability for you to understand and to come into that which is yours in God."

Maybe I'm finally beginning to "get it" - beginning to come into that inheritance He's given me. I remember, when I first heard the prophecy, I thought it was crazy - *me*? *Good communication skills*? Yeah, right. There's a reason I did so poorly on my Interpersonal Communication course when I was at Cap College.

But I think it must be right, to some extent.

Reading my journals... I've wanted to be a writer all my life. Following close on that idea is an artist. Or a composer. Creativity as expression, as communication... that's what I've always been about, and I think maybe... maybe that's part of my personal spiritual inheritance.

I need to think about this more, and pray about it, and write the talk that will best communicate what *God* wants me to pass along. What is the truth that He is pushing me to share with others at this moment in time? I know there's something He wants me to tell them - something about myself, something about *my self*, that will touch them, "deep down where nobody sees", and show them... show them the vulnerability that I keep hidden because I have this need to *be in control*, to *be in charge*, to *maintain*, to *avoid conflict*. The need to be a role model, to be responsible, to help, to exist for everyone but myself...

I'm so introspective. Beth wrote me about that in an e-mail once, a response to a frenzied question I asked about whether or not I'm self-absorbed. (Said question borne out of depression and doubts brought on by an "advisory meeting" with one my MT profs at Cap.) She said that because I'm so in touch with myself and who I am inside, sometimes that can appear to others like I'm self-absorbed, when in reality, I'm overly focused on others' emotions and perceptions and reactions and so on and so forth - I'm very empathic. I pick up on others' moods, and take them on like a second skin. I think when I do that I do take some of the burden of the negative mood from the other person; often it becomes the outlet for the emotion - I cry instead of them. And I do that for God, at times, as well.