I’m afraid of so much. So many things. And it’s all coming clear to me now. It explains so much of my life to me. It’s frightening to be suddenly struck with the realization that so many of my responses to things came about because of fear.
I knew I was afraid to go to Jason’s on Friday; afraid to see him, afraid to get a massage... but until I was reading Like Color to the Blind, I wasn’t sure why.
I’m afraid of people. I always have been. I think that’s why I’ve always had such a hard time making friends. I grew up afraid to let my self out, and I have various facades that I give to people when they want them.
I’m afraid that I won’t be loved.
I’m afraid to love.
I’m afraid that if someone loves me, and I love them back, when they find my self, they’ll stop loving me.
I’m afraid that I’ll be alone.
I’m afraid to be judged.
So I’m the TEC Poster Girl, the Perfect Pastor’s Daughter, the Perfect Daughter, the Bossy Older Sister, the Grumpy Teenager, and the Angst-Ridden Gen-Xer.
But my self is none of those things. I fulfill everyone’s expectations in every situation. When I occasionally drop the act, I receive negative feedback, so I begin to put the mask on even more fully.
I’m so afraid of compliments.
I don’t know how to accept them. I used to ignore them, and once in a while, I still do. I’ve learned to say thank you, but now I say thank you and then give some kind of explanation for the thing I’m being complimented on, or give the person some reason to take back the compliment.
My friends, though... I’m afraid of some of my friends, and that is really scary.
I’m not afraid of Beth, because she’s so unapologetically her self that I feel completely at ease being my self if I need to.
I’m not afraid of Gina (sis), because she’s also learning about her multiple selves and how to control them, though she wouldn’t classify them as such.
I’m not even afraid of Peter, though I think I probably should be, because... well, Peter’s complex. I think he knows his self, but I seriously doubt anyone else does – except for possibly Jen. I think Peter is most his self when he’s with Jen, because I think Jen is a lot like Beth in the self area. She knows her self and is not afraid to be that person all the time. Peter talks about how he was different in junior high and changed in high school. I think those were masks, and I think the self that he presents to the general world is not really his self. And I believe that Peter is mostly afraid of himself – I see it in him sometimes.
I am afraid of Vince. He’s his self, but not all the time. He knows his self, but he’s found ways to keep people from getting too far into that self. But because he knows his self, he’s perfectly willing to allow me to be my self, and I can’t do that. He’s too open and accepting. It doesn’t make sense. Beth’s open and accepting, too... but I think that possibly with Beth it’s more that she’s unconsciously her self, and unconsciously open and accepting. Vince is too aware of the selfs about him, even though that awareness is probably as unconscious as Beth’s openness.
I’m afraid of Jason, too. But not in the way that he’s going to take that sentence when I tell him so. I’m not afraid that he’ll do something inappropriate. I feel safe with Jason in a way that I’ve been searching for all my life. I’m afraid of Jason because of the self I see in him. We’re too much alike. And I feel like he has a better grasp on his self than I have on mine... though I could be wrong. The connection I feel I have with Jason is not something I can really explain, it’s just there. We’re too much the same, and that’s frightening. To have a mirror is a terrible, terrible thing.
I don’t think Jason has the same feeling I have, which makes it even more difficult. How do I explain to him that I’m afraid of him without making him feel really badly, and how do I tell him the truth (which he values) without completely weirding him out?
I think I’ll just tell him I’m afraid of him, but not in the way that he probably thinks from that statement. I’ll gloss over the fear of sameness and focus on the very real fear that if something happens that shouldn’t, I will fall back into where I was this time last year. I don’t want to go back to that place. It hurt me, and it hurt him, and it was a very negative place to be.
12/28/99
Afraid to be self Afraid of others Afraid I can’t let anyone in, can’t let anyone see who I really am. I give them what they want, give them who they want, and they go away pleased. But I’m hurting inside, I’m crying inside, I’m yearning to be set free. I’m afraid of freedom. I’m afraid to let myself be my self, even here, in my writing, where nobody else will see. So I search out those who are their own selfs, and I let them touch my self. But I can’t get too close, mustn’t touch the burner when it’s on, don’t want to get burned. Fear pushes them away. I’m pulling others in with one hand and pushing them away with the other. It’s a very lonely space to be in, but I can’t find the way out. And when I find someone like me, who is a lot of masks over the real self, I think I have found my kin, and I ruin what could have been By placing my expectations of samenes When what I myself need is no expectations, no thanks, no compliments, no nothing Just permission to be And then maybe I can stop being so afraid 12/28/99 |
No comments:
Post a Comment