Double Dare

So... I challenged God tonight on the way home from the conference.

I hate it so much when the things He keeps impressing upon me aren't the things I want Him to tell me about! Ever since Cursillo, it's been about love. About how I can't/won't/don't let love in. About how He loves me and I don't let Him love me as much as He wants to. About how I don't believe He loves me (not truly, not fully).

And I, of course, don't want to hear about God's love for me! I want to hear about what's going to happen next in my life. I want to know and understand His will for me, not this thing He calls love (which He is, which is also incredibly annoying).

So I got mad tonight and yelled at God while I was driving home from the conference. I told Him off. I know it's okay to do that cuz the Bible says David was angry with God, and David was a man after God's own heart, so it's okay to be mad at God sometimes.

But I got mad and told Him off, and then I challenged Him. I dared Him. And I knew when I did it that I was doing something dangerous. But I pointed out that I'm not testing God, I'm testing myself. I'm basically just giving Him permission to do whatever He wants with this love business, because I'm not going to be able to just open the door and let Him do it on my own time - He's gonna have to break me open and PROVE His love to me on HIS time.

I know it's gonna suck a lot. I know it's gonna hurt a lot. I know I'm not going to like this very much, at all. It's going to involve a lot of revisiting past hurts and past loves and learning to let people love me and learning to let God love me. And that's going to be hard, and hurtful.

And He gave me a picture for someone tonight. Even in the midst of me not fully accepting His love, He gave me something for someone else. How can He do that? How can I do that? How can I give someone a message when I'm unable to receive Him fully?

Only by the grace of God. His wonderful, amazing, powerful, phenomenal, merciful love. That thing I can't be fully open to yet... He's still sneaking it in there without me realizing it.

There are things in me that make it difficult to recognize love when it is directed towards me, things that make it hard to accept when I DO recognize it, things that make it impossible to believe that I'm even WORTH it in the first place. And those things are going to start coming to the top now, because I DARED HIM to break me, shape me, mould me, fix me. Remake me into a vessel that can hold and dispense His love the way He wants me to... the way I was originally meant to.

I can't go to China if I don't let this happen.

So it has to happen.

So I challenged God. I dared Him.

I may be slightly insane for the next little while...

Double Dare -JH, 2004 Childhood taunts Across the playground, "I dare you!" "Double dare!" "You can't catch me!" "I'm the king of the castle, And you're the dirty rascal!" I dare You To prove Your love, I dare You To prove I'm worth it. I dare You To break these walls I've made To keep me safe from You. I dare You To prove Your love, I dare You To prove I'm worth it. I dare You To break these walls I've made To keep me safe from You. I dare You to. No longer a child Life is my playground I'm calling Out to You, "Reach out and catch me, You're the King of this zoo, And I'm nothing without You." I dare You To prove Your love, I dare You To prove I'm worth it. I dare You To break these walls I've made To keep me safe from You. I dare You To prove Your love, I dare You To prove I'm worth it. I dare You To break these walls I've made To keep me safe from You. I dare You to. I know I'm not ready for this, But keep knocking down the door. No matter how much I resist, Come push me to the floor. I dare You To prove Your love, I dare You To prove I'm worth it. I dare You To break these walls I've made To keep me safe from You. I dare You To prove Your love, I dare You To prove I'm worth it. I dare You To break these walls I've made To keep me safe from You. I dare You to.