A smattering of thoughts. Processing. May not be totally coherent.

I've written before about depression; the descent into that place of darkness. It resides within every one of us.

Last month, I was diagnosed with moderate clinical depression. Of course, I've suspected that I might have depression, but to have such a thing confirmed by a professional is something of a shock. Well, perhaps shock isn't quite the right word, but it's not pleasant, anyhow.

I wonder what kind of a connection there is between depression and mysticism? I seem to recall that many of the mystics of the past were depressed. Perhaps depression creates a stronger need for that oneness with God, that desperate desire to be connected with someone.

Christian mysticism, according to Wikipedia, has four aspects to it:

1. The way of purification
2. The path of illumination
3. Contemplation (the experience of oneself in union with God)
4. Communion (both community and Eucharist; also having a spiritual director)

Last year, I developed a Rule of Life. I based it on the guidelines I found at one of the web sites I found for a lay order that doesn't require a lot of togetherness.

I've been blogging about my spirituality for over two years now. I want to reach that third stage, but I don't know that I've achieved the second yet.

The focus of the first is discipline. I definitely have not achieved that yet. I know that I have ADHD, but that really doesn't excuse my lack of prayer and devotion. I should return to writing daily devotions. It is a creative way for me to spend time with God and work out my faith. I must also begin to fast, as a discipline, praying instead of eating, one day a week. And I must also give - of my time and my finances - to help others, again as a discipline, a certain amount each week or month.

The focus of the second is enlightenment. I think I have brief moments of clarity, where spiritual wisdom comes shining through, but these moments seem to be few and far between. I strive to be open to God, to the leading of his Spirit... hence the tagline for this blog: Christ beside me, Father guide me, Spirit hide me. It is difficult to focus at times, but I am capable of focusing on something for hours when it captures me strongly enough.

The focus of the third is union. I do long for this, for union with God. The experience of God is to be both emotional (of the heart) and intellectual (of the mind). I believe that depression comes in between me and my ability to truly feel his love for me; it is difficult for me to feel loved by anyone, really. (The poem at the top of the sidebar notwithstanding.)

The focus of the fourth is community. This is the hardest part for me, because of how difficult it is for me to feel connected to other people. I partake of the Eucharist on a weekly basis. I haven't yet located someone to be my spiritual director, but I have someone in mind to ask - a female priest who was on the ministry team for the Cursillo weekend I attended, and with whom I had a good relationship prior to that weekend.

I think, once I have completed the novels that are currently telling me to write them, that I will begin to collect my blog posts - the ones here - into a book. Maybe a bit of a devotional book, or a bit of an autobiography. I'll have to rewrite a number of posts, turn them into coherent essays that follow logically one from the other. I repeat themes often enough that the task shouldn't be too difficut. I worry only that my random brain may sabotage my attempts to maintain coherence.

I am not an evangelical, nor am I a post-evangelical. That much is certain. I am more philosophical than most evangelicals, and I am too liberal to be a post-evangelical. And so, I think I will claim the title of mystic for myself. I do not think that this is really a departure for me. It is merely the fulfillment of the searching and struggles I have been working through over the last two years. I have been moving towards this identification all my life.

And the Father says, “I am walking and waiting and nurturing you to come into a place when there’s a greater processing, a greater receiving, a greater ability for you to understand and to come into that which is yours in God.”

Prophecy, September 2003

**Chris was talking about people leaping onto altars that were burning, so that they could be melted down and turned into the new moulds for God’s new anointing for this generation. He said the words “life from death” and this image burst into being for me.**
As the flames die down, the altar is revealed to be a pile of ashes. But from the ashes comes new life - a tall tree grows up to maturity in an instant.
The tree is strong, and its trunk is solid & thick. Its leaves are green & full; no branch is bare!
And the ashes beneath it give it life.
The room is filled with a soft green light, as the light is filtered through the leaves of the tree.
Rooted in tradition, of which the foundation is Scripture - the Word of God. But something new… something new! And the tree is reaching to the heavens, praise be to God!

Anointing, August 2006

Here we go. I suppose it's not "proper" proof. But it's proof, all the same, that mysticism is my path. I may have to walk this path without companions, but I will have Christ beside me, the Father to guide me, and the Spirit to keep me safe from harm.

Who could ask for anything more?