But here's the text of the thing...
| Last weekend, I worked TEC 41.I was the A/V person, so I ran the sound, the PowerPoint for the services, and the program we use that lets us put up song lyrics on the screen without using overheads.I quite enjoyed the tasks, but, well, God decided to whack me over the head with a nice big stick.That’s never much fun.You’d think I’d stop putting myself in the position of needing to be slapped upside-the-head, but no, apparently experience doesn’t really teach me much of anything.I swear I’m not a masochist – I’m just a klutz.Yes, it’s possible to be a spiritual klutz as well as a physical klutz.I’m living proof. TEC is always somewhat stressful for me.I look forwards to the weekend for months, and then by the end of Die Day I’m ready to go home and never work another weekend.But by Monday night, I can’t wait for the next weekend!A vicious cycle, to be sure. One of the most difficult things for me has always been accepting God’s love into my life.Part of this problem is lack of self-esteem.I have always had a pretty low opinion of myself – my abilities, my worthiness, etc.Most people don’t really know this about me, I think, because I’ve also always done my best to present an essentially humble face to the world and keeping a lot of my more creative talents as much to myself as possible. When I’m stressed, my self-esteem gets worse, which isn’t good.And last weekend I was pretty stressed.This meant that I over-reacted to any and all criticism of what I was doing.I took things very personally. But nobody really saw that, because I’m not one to express my emotions publicly.So while I was falling apart internally, I was pretty much normal externally.Saturday night I’d had enough.Ian was proofing the song lyrics for typos, and I knew I had to de-stress.So I got my painting stuff and sat in my room with paints and crayons, and I made a picture. It’s not a happy picture.But it’s definitely about how I was feeling that night. I felt better after I finished, but not totally.When I got the laptop back from Ian, I started working on the Eucharist service PowerPoint for Sunday morning, and part of the reading from Jeremiah just jumped out at me: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I will build you up again Again you will take up your tambourines (Jeremiah 31:3b-4) My reaction was, basically, “God, that’s not fair.This sucks.Why do You keep doing this to me?”Because He does.I get into a nice funk, and I’m enjoying being mad at the world – especially mad at God – and then He goes and does something that reminds me of His love for me. Sunday morning, I didn’t feel much better about things.Lunch time was especially bad.By the end of the Big Break, though, I was doing a lot better, and from then on the weekend was great. Why am I telling you about my experience of TEC last weekend when my talk is supposedly about God’s timing?I don’t know if I can really explain the answer to that question, but hopefully it will become clear as we go along. God’s been teaching me about waiting lately, which is actually kind of funny because I’m a really impatient person.But there it is.He’s been teaching me patience through events in my own life as well as through events in my friends’ lives.As I see others learning to wait on Him, so am I challenged to have patience.I know that God will fulfill His promises to me in His time; He said so in the Bible, and He told me so back at the beginning of the month. On May 2, I went with Beth to Tehillah over at First Assembly.Pastor Steve spoke about the need for a new revelation from God, and I was… flabbergasted.For the last – I don’t know how long – I’ve been struggling to get closer to God, trying to find a way to get into Him the way I see others doing.Steve’s message that night was exactly what I needed. Of course, God’s response to my prayers wasn’t totally what I was hoping for, but I hold onto it as a promise and a guide for my life at the moment. After Steve finished speaking, he asked those who had been touched by the message to come forwards and pray.I went, I knelt, I prayed, and I cried. And when I looked up, I saw a banner that said “wait”.I went back to my seat and picked up my notebook, and the words just flowed onto the page. I don’t often get words from God like that.When He speaks to me, it’s more in pictures.They usually come during singing at services, and I used a lot of them at TEC for the songs they were drawn during. So God speaks to me with pictures, and He gives me verses when I need them, as He did last weekend with the verse from Jeremiah.When He put those words onto the page for me, I knew I’d better pay attention. As I said earlier, I’m not exactly a patient kind of person.I like people to get to the point quickly, in part because it’s easier for me to understand information when it’s given in short bites rather than long lectures.So it’s been difficult for me to wait for God to get around to fulfilling His promises to me. Back in September 2003, my entire family was given a prophecy by a man who really only knew Dad.But he had something to tell each of us personally, as well as something for the whole family.He often gets Words for people, and his wife carries a tape recorder with her and tapes them.So we have a copy of the tape, and just before I went to Tehillah on the second, I transcribed the entire tape. For a year and a half, I’ve been waiting on God to complete the time spoken of in that Word.I won’t quote the whole thing here, because it’s longish, but there are a few bits that are very applicable. It doesn’t end there.But that’s the part that is most relevant. The promises made in that prophecy are big ones, to be sure, and I don’t understand them completely yet.But I want to see them happen; I want God’s blessings to be poured out on my life the way He wants to give them to me! Thing is, it all starts with me being able to accept God’s love in my life, which is why I started out by talking about TEC 41.Last weekend was difficult for me, to be sure, but it was also another step on this journey… another moment in this time and season of change… Last November, I went to Cursillo.Cursillo is basically TEC for adults, but trust me, there are enough differences that it doesn’t matter how many TECs you’ve worked, Cursillo has a huge impact.I guess it was at Cursillo that I really began this new journey.It’s like I was in a holding pattern until I went to Cursillo; God couldn’t get at me until then.And since then, it’s been struggle after struggle between the two of us. One of the days at Cursillo is themed ‘Love’.That was the day that was the most difficult for me.Love is a difficult thing for me to wrap my head around, especially God’s love.While I absolutely believe Christianity, I often have trouble understanding the less tangible aspects of the Faith.Like, how am I supposed to be best friends with Jesus when I can’t see Him or really hear Him?And how am I supposed to feel God’s love for me?In the past, I’ve linked my relationship with God with my relationships with other people.It’s not a conscious thing, but it happens.I’m actively trying not to do that anymore. So I went to Cursillo and had a horrible Day of Love.I know that sounds awful, but it’s true.I was unable to really experience that day, and it kind of ruined the rest of the retreat for me.But I did get a lot out of the weekend, though I refused to admit to the whole love issue. Then in December, I went to the worship conference up at Holy Trinity.And there I was challenged again with the whole concept of love and God’s love.And so finally I dared God. Never do that. Since I dared God to prove His love for me, I’ve been learning a lot about myself – who I am in Him, what things make me who I am, etc.One of the first things I did was find out what my name means. My first name, Janna, means “flourishing” or “God’s grace”.My middle name, Louise, means “warrior”.So my name is “God’s Flourishing Graceful Warrior” – which is a pretty huge name for someone whose self-esteem is as poor as mine often is.But it’s something to aspire to, and it’s something to believe.I believe that God will bring me to this name, that He will create in me that grace, that ability to do battle for Him, and that prosperity He has promised.Because it is definitely only through Him that I will be able to achieve the truth of that name. And then at the beginning of March, I had issues again.I think this next bit says it best: I don't understand this whole love thing. How do you experience God's love? How do you feel something or someone you cannot physically see or touch or hear? I love God. I love Jesus. I really, truly do. I just don't totally understand things. Still stuck in this place where I know & believe with my head, but I'm not so sure about my heart. Did I say still? Yes. And I meant it. I know I've had moments of knowing & believing with my whole being, but those were moments - by definition, very fleeting. When I read about people being caught up in His arms, being swept away by His love, wanting to get to know Him more, I get... stuck. What does all of that mean? What is it like to be caught up in God's arms, to feel that kind of safety and warmth? What is it like to be swept away by God's love, to truly give all control over to Him? What is it like to want to get to know Him more - to know Him? I'm confused, and frustrated, and all the rest of everything... I just don't know... I want to know God. I don't know how to do that. *peers around the corner of that wretched orchard* Hey, Jesus... I know I keep doing this... but can You maybe help me get in there with You? And once I'm there, do something to keep me where I'm supposed to be? I want to be there with you, I just don't think I'm able to get in without Your help. And I obviously can't stay without Your help. The pictures are back, which is just so phenomenal. And I saw Jesus' eyes last night, over and over... if I could, I'd draw them. But that's one thing I know I'm unable to capture. To see the things God wants to tell me, that is just... amazing. But I want more. How much more? I want everything. I want it all. I want whatever He has planned for me. I know it's all good, because I know that He is good. I just really would like my heart to be in tune with my head. Right now, it's like there are two different songs going on inside me, and they're in different keys and really don't fit together well. I need them to mesh. I need them to be one piece instead of two. Things have been progressing since then.April was a time of pushing and pulling and the beginning of this “waiting” theme that I’ve got going on now.The song Walk on Water, by Marc Cohn, came into my life a few months before, but it caught me in April and I had to respond to it: What else am I gonna do, really? I have to wait on You! I know I can walk on water - do what seems impossible. I just have to trust You, accept Your help, believe that You will be there to haul me out of the depths if (when!) I start to sink. That certainty... I once knew, without a shadow of a doubt to mar the beauty of Godly knowledge & certainty, that I could walk on water. I could do the impossible. I could know You - really, truly, the way You want me to. I could do anything. I can do anything - where I am weak, You are strong! I long to feel safe, God. That's all I've ever wanted. How... how have I not felt safe? A good home, a solid foundation to root myself and guide me... how am I not safe with You, with people, with myself? The desire to feel safe is what is at the rood of my desire for closeness with other people. If I am close to another person, then they will not hurt me. (Yes, I know this isn't true.) So being close to others affords me some measure of safety, of protection. Oh, God! I know I know I KNOW! that true safety may only be found in You! that true, reciprocal, unconditional love can only come from You! that the kind of closeness I so desperately desire... is Yours and Yours alone. I struggle with the intangibles of relationship with You. Daily, it seems, I feel unfulfilled. And I know, I know, I KNOW! that it is I, not You, causing this dissatisfaction in my soul. I want You I need You And I absolutely have to love You! You are within and without, the air through which I move - that which gives me life. Desperately I seek You, when I remember to look. Desperately I need You. Desperately. The impossible, for me, starts here. Seeking You, striving to know You fully. I don't want to be found this time. This time, I want to find You. But, of course, I don't know where You are; You always have the advantage of knowing exactly where I am, at any given time. I don't have that luxury. I don't know where You are. I'm going to have to search, high and low... over and under, in and out, in front of, behind, and beside. But I will find You. So stay put. Hide in plain sight. Be obvious. Touch me constantly. I'm tired of crawling, tired of walking, tired of wandering, tired of constantly seeking comfort in Your arms, tired of holding back, tired of refusing all You have to offer. I'm tired of being afraid of my own life! I want to run, I want to fly! I want to fulfill purpose, reach a destination, follow a plan! I want to garner strength from Your peaceful & loving arms! I want to act & speak out without worry or fear! I want to accept Your best for me! I want to be bold and courageous, and trusting! And I can do it. I know. You can - You will - make it all possible. Desperately I seek You. So, yeah.This talk doesn’t have much in it that will tell you what to do with your life.It doesn’t tell you how to get closer to God.It doesn’t give you any information, really, except for a bunch of stuff about me and where I’m at with God.Which isn’t really a bad thing, when it comes right down to it. I don’t know if you’ve gotten anything out of my story, and I guess this isn’t really much of a story… there wasn’t a clear beginning, and there isn’t an ending yet.It’s more of a middle, all on its own.But maybe some of this has reached you somehow… maybe some of who I am resonates with some of who you are… maybe you identify with some of what I’ve gone through and am experiencing… maybe you’re thinking hard about what God is doing in your own life, and what He wants you to do. All I know for sure is that part of this whole waiting on God, acting when He wants me to act, communicating what He wants me to share, and learning to truly experience his love… this talk is a very important part of that. |
I have some paintings and stuff in the PowerPoint, too. And quotes and stuff.
It is very much past my bedtime, and I'm feeling a tad odd at this point. I will write tomorrow.
One thing - I was complaining to Neil on MSN tonight about how the talk has been so difficult to write, and it's going to be too long, and he said that I must have a lot to say and it'll be great.
I don't know if I believe him. This is too long, isn't it? I don't even know! And it's not coherent... help would be greatly appreciated... *sigh*
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