(Written at Tehillah.)
WHEN?
When will I finally be able to manage things the way I want to?
When will I be able to start projects?
When will I be able to finish them?
When will I know how to act, and dress, for social events and social situations?
When will I be able to make new friends?
When will the piles disappear?
When will I stop feeling supid and incompetent half the time?
When will I understand other people properly?
When will time & money stop disappearing so suddenly, so randomly?
When will I stop feeling like my brain is broken?
How am I ever going to be able to accomplish the things I want to do with my life?
Why can't I figure it out? Why do I feel like a failure so often? Why can't good things last? Why do things collapse so easily? Why don't the happy times ever seem to carry through?
What happened to peace, and joy, and the deep, intrinsic knowledge of love that never fails, never leaves, never demands...?
I just want to be who I AM. Not lost, not failed, not despised, not despairing, not stalled, not powerless, not inept, not incompetent, not stupid, not broken, not alone, not disorganized...
Because I am none of these these things.
I AM...
found in Christ, and given direction by the Spirit.
successful when I obey Him.
loved by God, because I am His child.
full of hope for a future in heaven.
motivated to please Him.
powerful because of His love for me.
capable of accomplishing that which He has asked me to do.
competent at the things He asks of me - He wouldn't ask me to do something without also giving me the tools required to complete it.
intelligent; I know a lot of stuff about a lot of stuff.
a whole person, just as I am, because I am the way God made me to be.
constantly companioned, for God's Spirit is with me at all times.
organized enough.
Remind me.
Remind me that, as long as I am doing what I can, and as long as I am following You, then I am a success... I am right where I ought to be in that precise moment.
Remind me that You made me, just as I am, and that You love me like this.
Remind me of my self.
When it all gets too big for me to handle alone, remind me that I never have to deal with it alone... that You want me to ask You to help me figure things out... that You put me where I am, as I am, and so I am my self... who I need to be, in that moment.
There is a difference between MY brokenness & God breaking me. He will heal both... but when I do it to myself, it is more... damaged, more pained, more violent. God's breaking is like a surgeon going in and rebreaking a bone that has healed incorrectly - exact, precise, purposeful, and only as painful as absolutely necessary. My breaking is like being crushed into a brick wall by a semi - not just once, but OVER and OVER. It hurts past the point of pain, and everything just gets shattered and mashed and smushed into each other, into itself, into oblivion. Until all that's left... is a puddle that used to be a person.
God can turn that puddle back into a whole, functioning human being. Nobody will even be able to tell that this person used to be mush.
But there is a cost to the whole thing. Stiffness. Loss of mobility, loss of ability. Some lingering soul (brain) damage.
Meanwhile, God's operation leaves no scars, no marks, and results in increased mobility & ability.
1 comment:
I've enjoyed reading your entries these past few months. I'm not sure if you even read these comments, but after I read one of your entries, I feel the need to write something. Look, God does not despise a broken and contrite heart; as a matter of fact I think He treasures them, because they are usually caused by the contradiction between living in this imperfect, sometimes ugly and chaotic world, and a desire for the beauty, righteousness, grace, and love of God. I think all your wounds are God breaking you, because even the ones where you feel like you are breaking yourself are due to your love for God--if you didn't love God, you wouldn't feel broken. You're an artist, a poet, and empathetic. This means you love beauty. Remember what the most Beautiful object in the Kingdom of God is--it isn't a life that's all put together and running smoothly, a life that is comfortable within this world--the most beautiful object in the Kingdom of God are the scars of Jesus. I think God's operations leave scars, but they are badges of honor, the eternal weight of glory. In the midst of the pain remember, there's nothing wrong with you, not because of you, but because of Jesus; as a matter of fact, the pain may be a sign that there is something very right happening within you. Hebrews 11 writes about the "heroes" of the faith. No doubt, some conquered kingdoms, became powerful in the world, had their dead were brought back to life. Others, however, were afflicted, sawn in two, and were utter failures within the world--men and women of whom the world is not worthy. We don't get to choose which type of life of faith we are given, we are just told to remember that one day we're going to hear Jesus' actual voice say, "I've been waiting a long time for you." We're going to smell his musk as he holds us. Now that's something worth suffering for.
David
Post a Comment