Focus. The world is wide open.

I think that I latched onto working with autistic children as a career... as my Calling... because it gave me something to focus on, something to provide that structure that I otherwise lacked.

Now... now I have my ADHD under control. I am on medication to control my symptoms, and I am slowly learning the skills I have been attempting to live without.

And the world has opened up for me.

It is frightening, to know truly the extent of the possibilities for my life... possibilities that were always within me but that were obscured by this damned need for focus. To be able to pursue my art, my writing, my music... to not feel constrained by the things that have caused me so many problems in the past... to be free to do as I please, be it within God's will.

I have never before been free.

And I am yet unfreed, for of course I merely have my ADHD under control - it is not gone, or "cured", or "healed", nore do I wish it so. But I have more freedom now that I am not being controlled by the spastic nature of my brain, and I am incredibly thankful for this new state of being.

I truly am becoming my self, and it is amazing what I am finding myself capable of.

I have learned that my mind does not like to stay stuck on one topic for hours on end, like I was trying to force it to do before. Even with medication, the random nature of my thought patterns is obvious.

But I have also learned that it's okay to be random. It's less important than people seem to think - less important than society tells us it is - to follow a project through from beginning to end without going off-topic.

What matters is that you do, eventually, see it through to completion.

What matters is that you are not stressed or anxious every waking moment.

What matters is that you are comfortable within your own skin.

What matters is that your life has meaning, that you are true to your self, that you seek and strive to follow God.

I am challenged, now, to overcome my past. I once thought that I had trust issues. But that is not my problem. The problem that I must overcome is my lack of boundary enforcement. I have boundaries, but I was taught that they are unimportant. This leads to denial of self. It leads to openness to abuse. It leads to "people-pleasing". It leads to building walls that are far outside the reach of the actual boundaries, and it leads to self-imposed isolation.

I am learning. I know the truth, now.

It doesn't always feel right to do what is best for my self, but I know that this feeling of "wrongness" is merely a result of my "programming", and I am able to work with that to find ways to deal with this problem, this issue, and come out a stronger person on the other side.