Focus III

Dissatisfied.
Pulled away.
Unable to focus.
I need to focus.

So this will be the last TEC weekend I'm involved in. I will tidy up my affairs, find replacements for most of my current duties, and be done with it. Come the next AGM. I will be out of things completely.

I'm past this.

I'm not ready for Cursillo, but I'm beyond TEC.

God, I just want to focus on You... I just want time to be with You, to rest in You... I'm so tired of always being there, always rescuing people.

I need to focus on You, and on my career. I can't be split in so many ways anymore. It's not working for me.

I need to be doing things for me right now. I need to be focused on You, on who I am, on what You want me to be & do.

I'm so sick of being disorganized, of feeling chaotic.

I need to learn to priritize, to complete project, to start projects, to put things away, to clean...

I need to learn to take care of myself, to keep track of how many spoons are actually available to me.

I need to be able to breathe without feeling guilty.

Help me learn these things. I am a willing & eager student.

TEACH ME.

*****
Wrote that this morning in church.

Politics have always driven me up the wall, and people bother me as a general rule. Why I continue to punish myself by putting myself not only in a political position, but around people, I don't know.

"Romancing the Stone" just started. I like this movie. Seen it many times, though, so I'm going to organize the kitchen some more while it's on. "The Jewel of the Nile" is on next (sequel, just as good), so I'll do what I can in my bedroom while it's on.

I need to simplify. Cut things out of my life. Make more time for God, for things that I do just for myself. I want to write, I want to draw and paint. I want to be able to focus on work when I need to prep materials.

Had that interview today, it went really well; she'll call me tomorrow by 6pm to let me know for sure, and then if I'm hired then I'll start training Tuesday night. 5-8pm for five nights in a row. It's far away, but she only wants me two days a week after school and on Saturdays - Saturdays are flexible, I can put him opposite BW so that if I have BW in the morning I can go out to the VB place in the afternoon, or if I have BW in the afternoon I can do the VB in the evening. This kid's initials are JH.

My throat still hurts, but I don't feel as tired as I did yesterday. Unfortunately, my hips are killing me. No position gives me relief - not standing, not lying down (back or front), not sitting... nothing. I have no idea what to do. *sigh*

Nobody worry about me dropping the TEC stuff. It's going to be gradual. You know, if you've been reading this blog for a while, that I've been becoming increasingly frustrated with everything to do with TEC, and so I think I need to take a break. So first on my list is to give Brian back the key to St. Phil's (which I will do after I play THING on Saturday) and the mics and overheads. Next I will just cease attending THING unless close friends are speaking/playing. That will require new people to step in and do overheads. Before the end of this month, I will have gone through all of the TEC music in my box and kept out the music that's mine, so I can give it all to the band for TEC 42, to be passed along to Brian after the weekend is over. And that will be done with. The next thing I need to do is deal with all the CCLI stuff so that it's done, and give the information to Brian. Then all I have left on my plate is minimal secretarial and registrary duties. Which I can deal with for the next four months. But I will complete my term as secretary in January, and I will not put my name in for re-election. And after the AGM, I'll be gone.

I'm turning 29 years old in September. I need to have friends within three years of my own age, not surround myself with people younger than Matthew. I'm not sure how I'm going to get to know new people, but I doubt I'll really miss the overwhelm of TEC stuff, or the melodrama, or the insanity.

I wonder where John is...? He was supposed to come this afternoon to pick up his things, and he hasn't even phoned me.

Okay, goals for tonight:
1. finish organizing/unpacking kitchen
2. 1 load of dishes & get stew into freezer
3. laundry
4. decide on furniture arrangement in bedroom and office and begin preliminary arranging
5. JE prep work

Bedtime at midnight.