Fear II

Wrote this at work this afternoon. I was working on Beth's book this morning and it just popped into my head that I haven't gotten into the U of C to talk to them about school stuff because I'm afraid to do it.

Realizations that come while stitching together a hand-made book...

Why am I afraid to go back to school? *because other people might know things I don't. *because I might suck at it. *because other people are doing it & they're younger than I am. Why is it bad for others to know stuff I don't? *because I have to know everything. Why do I have to know everything? *because not knowing something makes me stupid. What happens if I suck at school? *I flunk out. Why is flunking bad? *because it means I'm stupid. Why does it matter that younger people are doing what I want to do? *becuase I should have already done it. *because I should be the only one. Who says I should have already done it? *everyone who's younger & doing it. Why does it matter when it happens, so long as it happens? *because the younger people are more successful than I am. What does it mean for them to be more successful than I am? *it means I'm stupid. Why do I have to be the only one? *because then I'll be successful. What does it mean for me to be successful? *it means I'm smart. Since when is school meant to prove than I'm smart? *since the only way I could beel worthwhile was to do well at school; since my worth as a human being was tied so closely to my academic performance; since my ability to do well in social situations was non-existent... My life should NOT be about proving myself to "them," whoever "they" are! Jesus, I want to be who You created me to be. I want to live each & every day for You... how do I do that? It needs to be purposeful; I need to do everything for a reason that will glorify You! I like this work. But I loved making that book for Bethany. I loved making that illustration last night. I love writing stories. I think the purpose behind going back to school is to get a graduate degree and start teaching in a university, and write my text book, and maybe design programs.

I don't know if I'm burnt out or what... I just know... this is... I shouldn't be scared to go talk to the people at the university. I should be so excited about the possibility that I go and ask about what I need to know, right away.

And why... why is my sense of self-worth so tied to how smart I feel?!?!??!?

That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

*sigh*