Revelations

Thanks to some recent events in my life - events which do not require publicity here on this blog - I have come to the realisation that I have been placing God near the bottom of my list of priorities. That is, I have been ignoring some of his clear communications as I pursued my own interests. Which is actually kind of funny, since my interests really ought to be focused on his interests for me.

I'm sure my readers have discovered such things in their own lives at one point or another - perhaps more than once. But this revelation I have been given was rather humbling for me, and I feel the need to confess my ignorance so that I may, hopefully, become stronger for being accountable to those I may influence somewhere along the way.

I continue to hold that there are but two commands, given us by Christ that we may thoroughly be his true followers: love God with all we are, and love others as we love ourselves. By following these two commands, we follow the ten commandments.

I have not loved God with my whole heart. I have not loved my neighbours as I love myself. I have not loved myself as I ought.

I am truly sorry, and I humbly repent.

Christ beside me
I forgot he was there. Days have passed wherein he was not even a blip on my radar. As a result, I was more easily led into temptation. Without the awareness of Christ's presence in my life, I found it appealing to seek fulfillment elsewhere. This is not healthy. It does not promote love and is not love in any way, shape, or form.

Father guide me
I willfully ignored his guidance. I was not only led off of the path he set for me, I seriously debated wandering further than I have ever gone before. I wasn't trying to get away from him, and I wasn't thinking... there, that's the crux of it: I wasn't thinking. Since I wasn't seeking his guidance or watching for his signals and listening for his voice, I didn't even need to be tricked. I just went off without him, without a second thought.

Spirit hide me
For whatever reason, I was still protected from evil. Spirit covered me and held me safe through this time. Though I was unaware and uncaring, Spirit remained ever alert and ever loving. What a gracious God I serve!

I have come to realise that there are many people whom God has placed in my life for a reason. From my best friend, who accepts me regardless of the stupid things I do (which is an earthly representation of the love God has for me), to the amazing men whose marriages and personalities serve as examples of the kind of relationship and marriage I know I should be looking for myself (assuming marriage is in God's plan for me), I am blessed beyond anything anyone else could possibly ever attempt to give me.

June 22, 2007 - 7.56 p.m. - Airdrie.

Sometimes I wonder if I should try to have a life like other people seem to have. I know I'm not other people; that fact becomes abundantly more clear with every passing day.

And the more apparent my differences become, the more pointless it is to compare myself to other people.

The only label that truly defines me is "Janna."

And even then, I'm afraid I don't often feel particularly graceful these days.

I think it's partly a lack of right relationship with God that's causing my discontent. So often, I find, my sense of well-being depends fully on how much time I spend with him.

Three-in-One, my salvation be.

Gather 'round, encircle me.
Blessings pour and set me free.

I'm not sure just what my penance should be, nor even if I should attempt something of the sort. But I feel the need to demonstrate my repentance, to show myself as well as my God that I am dedicated to my faith.