Regrets

At twenty-two, I finally experienced my first kiss. It was a foolish action, and I regretted it immediately and for months after.

He was nineteen, Catholic, and destined for Seminary. We both knew it.

The friendship had grown, based in our common Christian faith; we were able to talk about many different things and were able to be serious or silly as the situation or topic allowed. He flirted with all the girls; I was not special in that regard, but he was safe for me to try flirting back, and so I didn't discourage him.

There was no real romantic interest, just a casual friendship and an enjoyment of each other's company (and, yes, some physical attraction, or there would have been no flirting). But dark rooms and solitude do things to a person... we do things we would not consider in daylight, in groups, in crowds.

And so we kissed. It was not a cautious peck, but a kiss borne of desperation and passion. It simply felt desperate... there is no other word to describe the main force behind that kiss.

Later. Later, he apologised. He felt that he had used me. I felt that I had used him, also. His Catholic sense of guilt and my near-Catholic sensibilities nearly destroyed that friendship, not because we could not forgive each other... but because we could not forgive ourselves.

Forgiveness is free to all who come to the cross, but even when you know you have God's forgiveness and you know you have been forgiven by the person you have wronged, it can take a very long time to find it within yourself to move past the fact that you hurt another person.

I moved away, and he went to Seminary. We maintained contact, via letter (the kind you put in an envelope to mail), for several months. Then the letters became fewer and fewer, and we eventually fell out of touch.

I write this just over seven years later. I am still single, and prefer my life single. The last I heard, he had left Seminary (he and his professors had come to the conclusion that he was not truly Called to the priesthood) and was living in Ottawa, helping with the Catholic Students' Association at the post-secondary institutions.

I have, since that night, done other things I regret. I have succumbed to temptation more times than I would have liked. I am not yet able to forgive myself completely, nor am I able to forgive those involved in these actions. I hold bitterness within myself yet, bitterness that is borne of regret.

But of all my regrets, that kiss is not one. I do not regret that night... I am happy for it, for its innocence, and for the depth of understanding that grew out of it.

So, wherever you are...

Thank you.

You are not now, and never will be, a regret.