I have plans for you...

The other day as I was driving home from work, I had this impression that Jesus was sitting watching me with this huge grin on His face, rubbing His hands together gleefully as He said, "I have plans for you. You have no idea what I have planned for you, but it is good. It's going to be great. I have the best surprises waiting for you!"

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me, I will hear you. When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart, I will let you find me, says the Lord." - Jeremiah 29.11-14a

I told Him I was curious, but that I could wait. And I can. Because I have to; it's necessary. And because knowing what my future holds is not a life-or-death kind of thing.

"Majesty" (October 23, 2005)

Today has not been the best day of my life. Fridays seem to be more difficult for me than the rest of the week, I think because so much has to happen on a Friday and its successful completion seems to hinge on my performance of my duties. I get so very frazzled... I am already not very organized internally - I rely a lot on external organization to keep me on top of things. And so, since this church is not the most organized of places, I feel incredibly overwhelmed by the end of the day on Thursday - a feeling that only increases on Friday morning, as more demands are placed and tasks must be completed.

This lack of internal organization - I am certain that this particular part of my ADD is a large piece of why I am most able to enter into worship within the context of a liturgical service such as the Anglican, Lutheran, or Roman Catholic churches provide. The external structure and organization (and, yes, predictability) of the liturgical rites gives me security - it prioritizes things for me, orders things for me, holds me gracefully and allows my mind the freedom to wander along the paths it wishes without that internal distraction detracting from my worship or that of others. I don't need to worry about missing a part of the service while I am wandering my mind's pathways, because there is that predicatbility that allows me to know where we are without missing anything integral. My distractions within the context of worship are almost always flowing out of communion with God - responses to worship, responses to God, responses to the message, etc.

My need for external organization explains so well the draw to hermiting, to creating a Rule of Life, to perhaps joining a lay order. The less questions I need to answer throughout my day - the less I need to ask myself "what do I do next?" - the better.

Confusion lifts.

Freedom ascends.

I can dance so much better if I know the steps and when to do them.

I am beginning to see that my vocation is not where I thought it was, not where I have been directing myself for the last six years. It is elsewhere, more in this place I have been redirecting myself for the last six months - a place I visited once before, when I was very young... a place I visited again, peripherally, just six years ago... a place I have returned to again and again over the years. It is a place in which I am comfortable, and at home. A place where I feel joy. A place that allows me full freedom of expression. A place where I find my self, where I find God, where I find peace - that peace that is so far from the day-to-day life of an ADD mind.

When I find myself submerged in overwhelm, it is to this place that I retreat.

Christ beside me,
Father guide me,
Spirit hide me.

Desperate fear released its hold;
Desperate longing fills my soul.
Desperate violence no longer mine,
Desperate peace is what I find.
Desperate sorrow for all I missed;
Desperate joy, held within this
Desperate Love.